I’m a LumberJack and I’m OK

Or, How to get rid of some very ugly trees and not kill yourself.
Don’t try this at home folks, I am an experienced lunatic. In may of 2005 I proved my lunacy to family friends and the rest of the neighborhood. Before the ghetto wrap removal project could happen I had two problem trees in front of the house. They had to go. They were easily two of the ugliest fir trees in the world. One had a bad case of scoliosis, the other had what could best be described as chronic wasting disease. Since I moved in there were two projects I had been promising the neighbors, 1 I would get rid of the worlds ugliest trees and 2 I would get rid of the worlds ugliest siding. Summer of 2005 would be the summer I would prove that I keep my word, and that I am in fact crazy. I got some quotes from professional tree removal experts, they were expensive and I am cheep, so I go the idea in mu head that I can operate a chain saw, and I can get rid of the trees myself. It looked easy, I was sure it would be. Now a little background before I go on. Folks see my first name Ivan and assume I am Russian.. They could not be further from the truth, I am named after my great grandfather, who was 100% Norwegian, and also cheep. I think that’s a genetic thing. Back when he and this country were still young he spent his time before the war as a real lumberjack in up north Wisconsin, and Minnesota, cutting down real trees. The kind that wouldn’t think twice about killing you on the way down.. So, chopping down trees must be in my blood. 8^) The trees were handled over two weekends. The first one with scoliosis was smaller, it was only 25 feet high or so. That Saturday I confidently noticed it to fall down the length of the front walk and then made the cut to drop it. Everything went exactly as planned, I was less one ugly tree and suddenly people could see the house from the street. I was happy and even more confident. Which was my undoing..

The next Saturday everything started well, The saw was fueled up and ready to go, The weather was close to perfect, and I was feeling confident of my skillz. The second tree with chronic wasting disease was a lot bigger than the first. It was taller that the house, putting it well over 35 feet high. It was twice as big at the base and it had attitude. I knew I needed a much much bigger notch to drop it in the correct direction.

Big, yea, big.. I need a big big notch. I looked big enough, I cut a huge notch, this had to go right.. Hey my I was starting to get worried. But no time for that I had a tree to drop. So I started the final cut. I got about a third of the way into it and the saw stopped. The tree was pinching the blade. I knew this was bad, it meant the tree was leaning into the new cut instead of away from it. We spent a couple of short minutes trying to pry the saw out, but that was going nowhere fast. Now, I knew I was screwed.

There was enough cut that one strong wind would bring the mess down. To make things worse it was headed for the neighbors sitting room, this thing could take out the front half of his house, and I was doubting my insurance company would be feeling the love for me after that. So, I either had to solve the problem right then and their, or call in professionals, who would bend me over the trunk afterward with a we got you on the ropes sized bill. I realized quickly that they would probably yank it down with one of their big trucks.. I didn’t have a big truck, I have a VW golf. And some cheep nylon rope that I would not even use as window pulley ropes. But, I have driving VW’s for my entire life. I have learned that when the chips are down, that is the car that will get you where you need to go. I have done amazing things with my golf, like hauled oversized antique furniture, huge loads of readycrete bags, a 28 foot ladder.. You name it I have done it with the Golf. So I decided finally to tie the tree to the golf, loop it around one of the easement maples and give the tree a yank with 2 liters of front wheel drive goodness.

Yes, the neighbors, the friends the family now were sure that I was 100% crazy as hell and doomed to get them all killed. The folks across the street were all sitting on their porches, with coffee in on hand and their phone in the other. They were ready to race to dial 911. Me and the golf were ready to prove them wrong.

Now, a tree that big, is well big.. Its also heavy.. So, I inched the car forward until the rope tightened up, and gave a pull. The back end of the car started lifting up, I didn’t want to pull to fast and end up uncontrolled, so I managed to do a fancy handbreak rest here and there until finally CRACK.

Success!

So, what did I learn on this project? Mostly I learned not to get overconfident. There are plenty of opportunities to kill myself and big trees are more than glad to help out with the killing if I give them a chance. I also learned that I can repeat the phrase “ohh Crap” for 20 non stop minutes. Finally at the end of the day we had the ceremonial unchaining of the tree. When I bought the place there was a chain locked around the tree trunk. It had been there for years, and there was no key to the lock..

I really need to dig up the pics of me deconstructing the second floor bathroom, especially the part where my foot went through the remains of the old heat vent into the study below. 8^)

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